crosspost: loving completely
February 21, 2006i have no doubt in my heart that i love him. but with that love comes an awareness of faults and an acceptance of them. i am a person with so many facets and it rankles a bit that he only reaches a few of these facets of my personality.
i remember how it felt 2 years ago when i realized this, and accepted it for what it was then - an adventure. i thought it was like unraveling a puzzle, that it would take a lifetime for both of us to truly get to know one another. but the thing is, it stayed that way.
i truly confess myself disappointed. i thought that with time, he would try and reach out, and i would reach out to his thoughts as well and be a part of some aspects of his life that he’s so reluctant to share. i lived with him for more than a year, and it took that long for me to realize that it’s probably not going to change.
that everything was wishful thinking. it hurts to admit any of these, because i’m also admitting my inadequacy as a partner to reach out. after being together as long as we have been, i still cannot reach him when he’s angry, even if i try. i still cannot make him voluntarily tell me if he did something i should know about. i have to ask every time.
i ignore these things because i love him. i have always felt so good when i’m with him that i feel him healing and soothing me just with a touch if i’m in pain. but outside of us feeling good to each other, and being great in intimate things together, we seldom talk about things outside of the relationship. i miss that. i miss just talking as friends, no mushiness involved, just talk - conversing about anything under the sun.
i’ve left him and i feel empty. i don’t cry, but i might as well do. he has been the center of my life for so long and the first time i’ve ever felt that there might be a chance for a lifetime of love. i still love him, but how can it work now, with that knowledge hanging over us like a bad premonition?
