Out of Reach

Knew the signs wasn’t right
I was stupid, for a while
Swept away, by you
And now I feel like a fool

So confused
My heart’s bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn’t see
We were never met to be

Catch myself, from despair
I could drown if I stay here
Keeping busy, everyday
I know I will be ok

But I’m
So confused
My heart’s bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn’t see
We were never met to be

So much hurt, so much pain
Takes a while to regain
What is lost inside
And I hope that in time
You’ll be out of my mind
I’ll be over you

And know I’m
So confused
My heart’s bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart
Out of reach, couldn’t see
We were never met to be
Out of reach, so far,
You never gave your heart
In my reach, I can see
There’s a life out there for me

change

it’s time to say goodbye.

i have learned what i can and i move on.

i feel like i’m breaking up with a true love…but deep inside is that sigh of relief.

i will shout “finally!”

i will pack my bags.

wave goodbye.

and go.

legitimacy and mortification

i visited the i.ph forums today as is my wont to do on a rainy afternoon and checked for new posts. considering that the forums have been so quiet and that i’ve been shaking things up a bit lately, i was quite pleased to find new posts…and these not from the usual set.

what a surprise to find that these posts were all SPAM! i was mortified. where are the moderators?

goodness. my wish to have a more active i.ph forum was answered. now we have new participants, and this from the world of spam. it’s true then that we should be careful what we wish for.

can we even escape now from OEM software, penis enlargement, viagra and cialis, loans and emails announcing that we won in a nonexistent sweepstakes? i hate spam. it’s like an uncontrollable plague and lord knows why people bother to delve into it. money? data mining?

we need to at least control this in the forums. this is a call for our moderators and the i.ph staff to enforce at least some sort of legitimacy check. can we do the spam control graphic object in the forums as well prior to any post entry and new memberships?

i hope we can do this.

kalabasa, corn puffs, and gummi bears

i’ve always loved squash.

there used to be a time when i was a kid when my mom would ask, “What do you want to eat?” and i’d say, “kalabasa” without batting an eyelash. i owe my vitamin A doses to it, my 20/20 vision (even though i treat my eyes terribly. i do the opposite of everything written in “Taking Care of Your Eyes”), and of course the good feeling you have that “yes, mom, i ate my vegetables today.”

i think i never wrote “i hate leafy greens” in the About Me section. but yes, i hate raw green stuff. i choke on salads with their little olives looking at you like beady frog’s eyes. eeeeeeew.

i was at the other office today, using somebody else’s computer. mine is ready for the dumpster. it’s so slow it should be thrown out the window. it’s useless. and edith, my nice officemate, who has lots of food in her desk drawer, offered me some corn puffs. i said, “pop corn?” “puffed corn?” “corn pop?” “oooh. i get it. corn PUFFS.” shit, my brain is getting addled by all this coffee.

strong brewed coffee upon waking…a short trip to starbucks for a white mocha before work…two sachets of great taste premium coffee for every mug i finish off in the office…and another , and another, and another.

sigh.

i can’t take this anymore. i need. 1) francis. 2) sleep.

and yes, it’s confirmed. GUMMI BEARS CONTAIN PIG’S SKIN. top that.

high on the moderns

so i stayed up late last night watching tarantino’s pulp fiction and getting amazed once again at how stolidly and smoothly samuel jackson delivered the following lines:

“The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee. “

i was sick for the past two days of the ever present flu besetting the city lately, and though the doctor has recommended rest rest rest…how could i? when just across from me is a DVD of pulp fiction? and the fight club? twelve monkeys? cmon!

so i watched pulp fiction, and followed it with the fight club. insomniac that i am, i cannot relate, even if yes, this is my life, and it’s ending a minute at a time. i don’t sleep much but i cannot consider myself in the middle of dreaming and wakefulness, floating in consumer shit. don’t mistake me. i like the movie. very much.

so there. i will not let myself be sucked into watching those movies again when i’m sick. they make me feel better almost immediately…which makes my going back to work all the soonish…slave that i am.

this is my life, and damn if every minute that passes is spent dying. i gotta live.

collectively speaking

in response to adinfinitum’s ranting on the non-effect of school grammar to his spelling, which is terrible, to say the least (:D), and the amazement of an officemate on the discovery of the collective description for fish…I have decided to post some uncommon collective nouns used for some animals. if you know all of these, go ahead and smirk, you know-it-all!

for the more common tao like me, read below…courtesy of the ever reliable wikipedia.

An aarmory of aardvarks
An army of ants
A herd of antelope
A shrewdness of apes 
A flange of baboons
A congress of baboons
A cete of badgers
A colony of bats
A sloth of bears
A lodge of beavers
A grist of bees
A dissimulation of birds
A volery of birds
A singular of boars
An obstinacy of buffalo
A bellowing of bullfinches
A rabble of butterflies
A rainbow of butterflies
A wake of buzzards
A caravan of camels
A destruction of cats (feral or wild)
A clowder of cats
A clutter of cats
A glaring of cats
A kindle of kittens (cats)
An army of caterpillars
A peep of chickens
A clutch of chicks
A bed of clams
An intrusion of cockroaches
A drove of cattle
A pack of coyotes
A sedge of cranes
A bask of crocodiles
A murder of crows
A cry of hounds
A pod of dolphins
A piteousness of doves
A flight of dragons
A raft of ducks
A convocation of eagles
A parade of elephants
A business of ferrets
A trembing of finches
A shoal of fish
A stand of flamingoes
A skulk of foxes
A woop of gorillas
A cloud of grasshoppers
A siege of herons
A mob of kangaroos
A pride of lions
A mischief of mice
A watch of nightingales
A covey of partridges
A pride of peacocks
An aurora of polar bears
A passel of possum
A gaze of raccoons
An unkindness of ravens –> i particularly adore this.
A crash of rhinoceroses
A shiver of sharks
A sneak of weasels
A zeal of zebra

intestines and talk of rain

i don’t know what the hell i’m still doing in the office. my old staff is all messed up and i feel like somebody threw me at the edge of the earth to punish me and i landed in the position where i am at right now. right now.

i hear something in the distance screaming…. JUST QUIT!

and the sad answer to that, is as much as i want to, i can’t. built too much, and extricating myself from all these is simply difficult at the moment.

i’m hungry. i can’t think of anything but food all day. my large intestines must be eating my small intestines up. inch by inch…

i should go home right now…before it pours. the sky looks suspiciously like it’s going to cry again any minute and i just don’t want to be caught in the deluge, poor commuter that i am.

why can’t i just quit? why????

tell me.

aha! i am cadence!

What is your True Name?

Cadence - Rhythm
Take this quiz!

breakfast haiku

what’s your order, ma’am?
tall white chocolate mocha
one twenty pesos

something to eat, ma’am?
a ham and cheese croissant please
that would be fifty

green floral sofas
easy but busy ambiance
i just love starbucks 

hair talk

all that hair does bother me
i haven’t seen it, yes…
but imagining all that fur bothers me.
a lot.
is it coarse?
is it soft?
if i run my fingers through it, will it follow?
will it fight the direction i want it to go?
mmm. will it chafe?
or start rashes on my skin?
will you hate me if i shave it when you sleep?
will it hurt to pull lots of it…
or aaah, argh, will it stick to your skin when you sweat?
shit.
all that hair shouldn’t bother me.
but then, maybe, your smile will make me change my mind.

when i dream

much of what i don’t say is much of how i feel…
i try so hard to make it as real for you as it is for me
and though i just want to keep silent sometimes,
stare at you (or more accurately, gaze into your eyes)
listen to your breathing
just enjoy the time spent with you, sitting side by side,
your fingers playing, writing meaningless stuff on my palm,
      i speak out…and tell you how i feel,
even if we both know that much of how i feel cannot be said.

nothing would replace the feel of your warmth beside me.
nothing.
i wish i could be with you when you wake.
i wish i could be there waiting fro you when you come home.
i wish i could see your eyes crinkle when you smile,
      your dimples showing,
      your smile bursting into full-blast laughter.
i wish we could look into each other’s eyes,
      green on black,
      black on green,
and grin like silly together.

i just wish to be quiet with you one day. someday.
and love you…
and say i love you without saying anything.

haikus

while i was posting some haikus at mellaflusia…i realized that it was almost a story…so i’m posting it here unbroken.

almost touching you
air between us electric
goosebumps on my skin

tips of fingers meet
can’t take my eyes of your face
we match, kiss for kiss

fingers through your hair
carresses frozen in time
strength, softness, combined

my head falling back
lips trailing slowly downwards
velvet on satin

rustling satin sheets
spring rain scents filling the air
aroma of love

can’t stop wanting you
eyes like black pools of longing
take a few deep breaths

rain softly falling
windowpanes misting with heat
a world of their own

biting your shoulder
impossible to control
nails dig on your back

frozen ecstasy
light bursts and floods of color
make me yours for life

amazing connexion

i would always look back on finding him with amazement.

it is never easy to get over a relationship that you thought was the last relationship you will ever have, and the reconditioning of your priorities and your future is a mess noone wants to ever dip their hands on.

fortunately, we are all children of God - loved and given a chance.

mercy was at my side that day, maybe, and i calmly picked myself up and started over. no easy feat that…

and now, i have him…francis brian emanuel fallon. a new love, and a focus i never thought i could ever find. our personalities fit so well…it’s amazing!

aha, so you were awake the whole time

i went out on a date with someone new last week and it was great. i’ve sorely missed exchanging entertaining (or should i say, enchanting) conversation laced with a little flirting with someone from the opposite sex. of course, it was all innocent.

i felt good about the date despite that inner voice telling me i shouldn’t have gone out with another guy. i knew at some level that it wasn’t an innocent thing on the part of my date. he kept snatching glances my way and it was obvious that he wished for something more. the thing is, i made it clear from the start of the date that i have a boyfriend and that i’m not interested in taking it further than friendship.

anyhow i enjoyed, and the day after, while i was talking with a male friend in the office, he said, “Oh, so you’re dating now, huh!” I replied, “it’s not as if i’m sleeping with the guy. we just went out for dinner.”

and guess what he said - ”not sleeping with him?…so you were awake the whole time?”

hahahahaha.  

does anything last forever?

i remember a friend sending me a picture from explodingdog.com before with the title “thinking of you makes me smile.” ever since that day, i always make it a point to go to that site for new images depicting raw emotion.

the picture above is entitled “does anything last forever?” and shows so sharply how i feel about my relationship with daddy now. it’s so sad that we have to live apart now…

anonymous call

i just woke up and decided to go online to check what i might have missed from the office. nothing much. no catastrophe happened while i was gone. thanks ye gods.

something curious happened yesterday. while i was going out of the bathroom, my sister called me telling me there’s someone on the phone looking for me. i asked who it was and she said the name of a friend.

i took the call (still wearing a towel and all that) and to my surprise, the voice of the person i was speaking with does not even remotely resemble my friend’s voice.

i got really upset because just after 2 seconds, i already knew it wasn’t him but the person i was speaking with didn’t want to confess his true identity. we got to a point when i had to hang up since he kept insisting that i gave him my number and asked him to call which i absolutely did not do!

*sigh. the experience left a bitter taste in my mouth and i hope never to hear from that person again.

crosspost: loving completely

i have no doubt in my heart that i love him. but with that love comes an awareness of faults and an acceptance of them. i am a person with so many facets and it rankles a bit that he only reaches a few of these facets of my personality.

i’ve left him and i feel empty. i don’t cry, but i might as well do. he has been the center of my life for so long and the first time i’ve ever felt that there might be a chance for a lifetime of love. i still love him, but how can it work now, with that knowledge hanging over us like a bad premonition?

choleric, huh

You Have a Choleric Temperament

You are a person of great enthusiasm - easily excited by many things. Unsatisfied by the ordinary, you are reaching for an epic, extraordinary life. You want the best. The best life. The best love. The best reputation. You posses a sharp and keen intellect. Your mind is your primary weapon. Strong willed, nothing can keep you down. Your energy can break down any wall. You’re an instantly passionate person - and this passion gives you an intoxicating power over others. At your worst, you are a narcissist. Full of yourself and even proud of your faults. Stubborn and opinionated, you know what you think is right. End of discussion. A bit of a misanthrope, you often see others as weak, ignorant, and inferior.

What Temperment Are You?

gone packing

i have nowhere to go but up.

i will always comfort myself with this saying. especially now that i’m so damn depressed.

broken.

busy busy january

i got too busy this january to even post a single thing in my journal, and hopefully, february will fare a lot better.

 i’ve been really lonely (thanks to daddy being away for a month)…

anyhow, will post soon….